Herzeleid

Blog is moving

2008-03-03T23:39:00.004-07:00

I'm moving my blog to wordpress. All entries from here on out will be posted here.

I chose WordPress because it's much more professional and better for editing purposes.

Again, I'm posting there from here on out.

-Jin

Seeing Red Again

2008-03-03T06:05:00.002-07:00

I am beginning to want more and more to be a Psychologist/Psychiatrist. The human brain really intrigues me. Simple processes like the path of a conversation, how we can start off talking about the weather last night and end up talking about unusual sexual concepts really interests me. I love deconstructing a conversation and look at it piece by piece and fit it together like a jig-saw puzzle.

Also, I know I am a manipulative person. The way I achieve my desired results is the wording of my sentences. Say I wanted a pizza with extra sauce. If I said "I want a large pepperoni with extra sauce," the person thinks okay add a little bit more sauce. But if I were to say "I want a large pepperoni and go heavy on the sauce," it creates a bolder picture in the persons mind.

Likewise, if you take group A and show them a video of an accident and ask them "How fast was car A going before it collided with car B?" You would get a completely different answer than if you showed group B the same exact video and asked them "How fast was car A going when it smashed into car B?" The simple wording of things to get a desired result is intriguing. I want to learn more about it, so I can stop being so manipulative with the people I love and care about.

Just a random fact.

-Jin

Frontal Lobe Improvement

2008-03-03T05:28:00.002-07:00

So here I am, thinking about life again, and an interesting.. epiphany? In my English 102 class the other day we were talking about teen pregnancy. We discussed how back in the day girls were ready to have kids and a family around the ages of 14-16. But now those things are reserved for late twenties, early thirties or even forties. Why is this?

The thought has crossed my mind about fifty times in the past sixty minutes.

I think we're experiencing a trend of regression. What I mean by this is that it takes more time for a person to be mature enough to handle the responsibilities of being and adult and having a family.

Do I think that girls and boys should be having sex at ages as young as 14? No. Do I believe they're too immature? Yes. I know that back in the day this was the normal thing. It was what happened. But think about it, responsibilities have been pushed back and pushed back. When was the last time an actually young boy went to war or fought for something that wasn't a toy?

Now, having said that, I do think it's still important for young people to learn things at an early age. Take something that's been plaguing me recently, love & heartbreak.

All I've ever heard throughout high school was "You're too young to know what love is." But does that mean I'm too young to know what heartbreak is? This is a pretty unmistakable feeling. What's heartbreak without love? An extreme let down, perhaps. But that just doesn't happen. Not true heartbreak. Heartbreak requires love. So where am I going with all of this?

I think we need to find a way for people to gain life experiences before it's too late. I have no idea how, but I know it needs to be done.

This whole thing probably doesn't make sense, ask me questions, maybe I'll be able to explain it one on one.

-Jin

(Rap) Superstar

2008-03-02T02:18:00.002-07:00

So today was hands down the best day I've had in a month. It all started off with Friday night, I went bowling with some homies and had a blast like I always do. After bowling me, Mason, and Sam chilled in the parking lot while the drunk people Sam was giving a ride to figured out their bill.

So when they finally came out we took off. Mason wanted food so we checked the iHop over by the lanes we were at but it was closed so he opted for McDonald's. We went through there then headed to my house where we talked to my mother for a little bit then hung out for a little longer. He decided to take off around 4.

After he left, I wasn't tired. So I decided to clean my room which, if you keep up on my blog, you already know. So my mother finally bribed me to go to bed at about 7am.

I woke up at noon and decided to go see Felicia so I could give her back some of the stuff she left at my house. So when I got there I kinda hung out for a little bit, waiting for her the parents of the kids she was babysitting to get home. Finally, they did and she came out. We ended up talking for a little bit before she had to go to work, which was really nice. I think it's helping me get over her, just being around her when I cannot just hold her and kiss her. Don't get me wrong it sucks the big one, but since this is what she wants, I think this is the best way to go about that. So after she left for work we set another date to talk for Tuesday.

So then I got home and hung out with my parents some more. My father was barbecuing some steak and potatoes and corn. MMMMMM, corn. Mason called and said he was going to poker and asked if I wanted to go. I figured, what the hell I haven't played in about a month, I might as well. So we went, I got knocked out fairly fast which was fine because I needed to go home and eat anyways. Barbecue ftw! So then Mason got knocked out and we decided to chill at my house for a little bit so we talked to my mom and dad. Finally it reached about 9:50 so we decided to take off for the 10 o'clock game of poker.

Long story short I ended up winning the second tournament. It'd been so long since I'd played, let alone win. It was really refreshing. I even got a card protector that has my favorite hand on it, which was completely a coincidence. Then we came back to my house and Mason passed out on my bed. He snores so loud, but I'm sure I snore just as loud lol. I should get a recorder and record his snores for you guys, it's fucking hilarious.

Anyways, so that's been my past like, 30 hours. I'm in an amazing mood right now. Hopefully that continues through Spring Break.

I'm Your Bass Creator

2008-03-01T06:04:00.003-07:00

So here I am, 6:00 AM. I've been up all night. Oddly enough, however, I haven't been thinking about Felicia or being a little emo faggot. I've been being productive, doing laundry, cleaning my room, stuff like that. I'm at the point in the night/day where I've run out of ideas of what to do. I don't want to go to sleep though, because I know I'll end up sleeping until like 4 and then I'll just have issues of staying up all night again. The reason I've been up all night this time is just because I feel asleep at about 6:30 yesterday and woke up at 8 or 9, can't remember. I don't want to do that again though, so I think I'll stay up all day and exhaust myself again and just get 8-9 hours of sleep for Sunday. I did my usual exercising around 4 am again. I feel great. I did, however, find some.. stuff that belonged to Felicia when I was cleaning out various parts of my room, so that did put a damper on my high spirits. I do still miss her and I know I'd get back with her in an instant.. which doesn't speak very well for me. I just feel like there's no part of my heart left unbroken, so there's not much more damage she can do. The moment I see her with another guy though, I get to take out all the anger and rage that has come as a result of her actions.. that I'll never take out on her.

Anyways, I'm off to find some more interesting things to do. To read about. To learn about. Feel free to shoot me an email or something, say what's up, maybe entertain me when I need to keep my mind off the ex.

Love peace and chicken grease.

-Jin

WTF

2008-02-28T03:20:00.001-07:00

Third blog in one night. I think I may have some sort of bipolar disorder.. Because I'm completely over everything. Earlier I couldn't stop crying. Now.. I'm happy as a button. I don't know why.

WTF, let me reiterate, WTF.

-Jin

What Hurts The Most

2008-02-28T01:35:00.003-07:00

Yeah, another song that relates to how I feel. Basically right now I feel like.. a pussy. I can't stop crying. There are so many reasons.. I feel like I'm so alone right now. I'm sitting in my room crying my heart out.. just wishing she'd fucking give me another chance. It's not even that. I know / have known for a while that I've got at least a mild case of depression. One of my best friends is going to start going to see someone for what could be depression in his life, because his Mom cares enough to talk to him and see what's going on. My mom, she's always sick which isn't her fault, but she doesn't know what the fuck is going on in my life. She knows Felicia and I broke up. That's it. She hasn't gotten past an "I don't know how I feel about it". She hasn't cared to dive headfirst into my life. My buddy suggested I see someone like he is. But I can't, I don't have the money for it. I don't even have insurance. My Father covered me up until midnight of my 18th birthday. My mom and step dad don't have a way to cover me. So I'm insuranceless for the time being. That adds to my depression so much. I just want to give up. The only truly good thing I had going for me, the only thing that truly made all my problems disappear was Felicia. And you all know how well that's turning out for me.

I've basically broken down. I've been able to do nothing but just.. cry.. for the past half an hour.. my hearts broken and my spirits are down. What can I do?

Sigh, so I've been trying to talk to Felicia. Not about us or anything.. but about everything I'm feeling right now. Everything, the depression, how I feel, not how I want to be with her. But she said she's tired so she wont' sign onto AIM to talk to me. I told her straight up "I need to talk to you" All I get is a flat no. What an amazing best friend. What an amazing person to give my heart to. No wonder it's so shattered right now.

The worst part about this whole thing is I can't even tell her exactly what I need to talk about. My mind is boggled right now.. and instead of listening openly,she needs a reason and specifics..

I'm torn. I want to just.. die right now. Just die. I know it'll hurt pretty much everyone that reads this.. but you will all move on and get over it. Sure for the first while it'll hurt like hell.. but eventually I'll fade to a memory. That's all anyone ever does.. if you die.. eventually people don't always have you in mind. It'll be no different for me.

I know I need to accept the fact that she's moved on.. But I just can't right now. Wow, I just feel pathetic right now. I can't do anything but drop my head and cry. I had so much I wanted to say in this blog.. but I can't remember any of it. I've cried so much, lost some blood, and had Felicia hang up on me after she called.

I would love nothing more than to just have her back right now. That'd definitely start to heal all these wounds. But that won't happen. So these wounds, they will not heal. You definitely learn a lot about a lover when you're not in a committed relationship, that's for sure.

I can't keep doing this. I need to go lay down and cry there, maybe I'll fall asleep.

Good night world.

-Jin

Five For Fighting..

2008-02-27T22:54:00.004-07:00

Such an amazing band. And sadly, a band that I'll probably never listen to for the rest of my life? Why, you ask? They have a song called '100 years' which is pretty much our song. It's a beautiful song that I made into her ringtone because whenever she called it was basically an amazing event. But now.. it's essentially ruined. Almost like System of a Down and Phantom of the Opera with Jackie. I actually just learned about this in my Psychology class. It follows the lines of Pavlov's experiment with his dogs. In his experiment he would ring a bell, this is our neutral stimulus. Yes, you're getting a lesson in psychology right now. Then he would give the dogs some meat, which is our unconditioned stimulus. The meat would cause the dogs to salivate (start drooling) which is our unconditioned response. After a while the dogs would associate the bell with getting meat. So when Pavlov rang the bell they would start to salivate. The bell became our conditioned stimulus and the salivating became our conditioned response. Basically, I associate the band with Felicia, and how I associate Felicia with heartache. So now the band = heartache. Get it? I hope so, because I know it confused me when I first heard about it.

But onto the current Five For Fighting song, Superman. There's a few verses that completely make me melt:

I’m more than a bird...i’m more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd...but don’t be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but won’t you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me

This is totally how I feel now. Before.. before I felt like I was somebody. I had an amazing woman by my side to experience life with me. But now, I feel like that was taken away and now all I can do is remain stunned.

So basically right now I feel nothing but emotional. I know I'm supposed to get over it and be a man. I know that's what I'm supposed to do. But I guess I feel like nobody understands what I'm dealing with. Because nobody does. I know people have felt something like this, but these feelings are unique to my situation.. all the factors that are causing it.

I know I have a way with words. I've been referred to as a cunning linguist many times. As Adrian Monk says "It's a gift and a curse." It's totally true. Because guess what part of me has helped land me in my current situation. My way with words that has caused me to be a manipulative asshole. I can manipulate a lot of people, and I'm not proud of that. But I recognize that I do it.

That day last September, I told her I told her "I'll love you forever and ever, babe." I'll never forget that, it's been replaying in my mind over and over as if it were an old battered VHS movie with a state of the art repeat feature. I remember exactly what was happening. But again, to reference my fatal mistake, I should have asked her the same question. To find out 17 months later that she was merely infatuated with me delivers a blow to a place far worse than below the belt. My heart. It's done nothing but torment me since I found out. It's reared its ugly head in my dreams and when I'm awake because I cannot stop thinking. It's who I am. I am a logical person. And it's tearing me apart. Sometimes I just wish I could rip the creative part of my brain out so I'll stop dreaming about alternate realities and situations that probably won't occur again. But at the same time I feel like ripping out the logical part of my brain because logically this is all my fault. You know how normally you have the girls that are naive and believe Johnny BeGood loves them? Well, guess who basically is that naive girl, and guess which personality in my life prevails as Jane BeGood. You should figure it out.

She wants to stay friends for life. She's been one of my best, and definitely my closest, friends since we started dating. She secured her spot at the front of the line to get into my heart long ago. And she got into my heart not that long after. And I feel like it's another fatal mistake of mine.. closing my heart to everyone and letting just her in. Because now she's got free reign, and she's thrashing the furniture of my heart. Without even trying. I don't know what to do. I want to confront her, but I think I've done that enough these past few weeks. I need to let go of her. But I've got a man vs himself conflict going on within me. I want to get over it. But everything I've shared, and done, with her out weighs all else. I guess it meant more to me than it did to her. I guess I cared for her more than she cared for me. Because I know I had urges to break up with her before. But I could never put her through what she's putting me through. And to think she's too naive to realize that, that's bullshit. She knows it hurts me, I know she's hurt because of that, but if she cared, if she really cared as much as I always have, she'd stop the pain. She has the ability to do that. But she won't. Want kind of a best friend is that?

Another thing, I know she'll probably never read this. Not unless somebody tips her off. Because she's not close enough to know I even have this blog going. I guess when she broke up with me she jumped back tens of thousands of lengths from closest to my heart. I don't know if it's to shield her or what, but even that kills me.

I guess the fact that I've got so much time to openly think doesn't help either. I need to fill my life up. Before it was all her. Nothing but her. And now it can be anything but her. But I don't know what to do. I mean, I run poker like I am now and I'm thinking. I sit in my little booth on my computer just.. thinking.

I kinda see this whole thing playing out like the movies, almost. I'm going to always be the best friend that's so painfully obvious with the girl that everybody around is sick of it. But I can't help it. I know I'll have opportunities to move on. But is that really what I'm supposed to do? Am I supposed to just love her with everything I have.. and then turn around and be with someone else? That's not going to be fair to anybody, not to me and certainly not to whichever girl I'd be with.

So I have a huge fork in the road ahead of me. One path I don't think I can even travel.. because of all it demands from me. But the other I only see misery. It's like, on one side I've got a mother figure that will never cease to demand everything from me until I am nothing and on the other side I've got my entire future that I've been envisioning for quite some time now with thick slashes in it, taunting me with what I've wanted for so long now.. It's cruel really.

I know this is a sudden end, but I need to wrap up poker, I'll try to finish this when I get home, maybe I'll just go to sleep. Anything to get my mind out of logic mode. Maybe a nice dream that'll melt my heart, and when I wake up freeze it only to let it fall and shatter. That sounds amazing right now. /sarcasm

-Jin

Yes, I'm using that now. Why? Because half the people that text me refer to me as Jin. It's short, it's sweet, and it's a little Asian.

The Reasons That We're He'ere

2008-02-26T20:34:00.005-07:00

So after a long, drawn out discussion with Felicia, I've finally realized why it's so hard for me to move on. It's obvious she's over me, that's for damn sure, but it's also obvious that I care for her like no other. That there is my problem. It pretty much goes back to a day back in 2006. She asked me if I'd love her forever. I made the fatal mistake of not asking her the same.

Guess who's the fool.

I feel like such a tool. Sitting here with tears streaming down my face. While she's off probably a little hurt by this whole thing, but overall not caring about the situation. I wish I could go back and change what I've done. This wouldn't have cut so deep if that'd been different.

Let's chalk that one up to experience shall we?

I feel like it goes back to the cliche that nice guys finish last. It's absolutely ridiculous because now guess what? When I do find whatever woman I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with/realize who it is. This is always going to affect me. I did everything I could with the person I was in love with. Too bad their feelings weren't the same.

What to do what to do.

The story of my life.

Young Folks

2008-02-26T05:04:00.005-07:00

So today I've officially broken out of my 'lazy shell'

It's currently 5:08 AM and I have not slept. I've been up all night drinking boat loads of water and organizing. My desktop files are in immaculate order. My iPod is in immaculate order. All my music is in immaculate order.

I went for a run at 4:00 AM. It was pretty much amazing. I haven't felt so good in.. well, a long time. Granted, I can't run very far or for very long, but it's something I'm working on. I've been telling myself I want to start getting up early and running. Well, I didn't get up early to run, but I did run in the early hours of the morning. I'll probably be extremely tired today, but I'll get over it.

The reason I decided to start this now is I've actually made up my mind about joining the Marines. I want to join up this Summer. There's just something inside me pulling me toward an option I never thought I'd ever contemplate. Ever. Hopefully I'll be the motivation for William to join up as well, but either way, I've made up my mind. I've heard alleged rumors that you have to run 3 miles every day during boot camp. I can run 3 miles in maybe.. an hour, if I'm lucky. That has to change. So why not start now? My point, exactly.

I'm still finding more and more stuff to do to keep me attentive. I'm still finding more and more stuff to do to keep my mind off of Felicia. I still really want to get back together with her, but I think it's safe to say that I've accepted the fact that it's probably not going to happen. Not unless she for some reason decides differently. I'd say no big deal, but it is, lol.

So yeah, I'm off to do more.. things. Probably clean my room again. I'm ready for the heat of me wanting to join the Marines to begin. Let me hear it.

-Isaac Kauwe

P.S. I need to come up with some trippy name to start signing off on my blogs as. Like Pineapple, only less piney more appley. Or something. Suggestions?

There's truth in your lies, doubt in your faith..

2008-02-17T02:34:00.003-07:00

I still have my inspirations to do everything I said I want to do. But right now things just feel really hard.. I want to give up. But at the same time, I know she's expecting that. This is the one time I actually want to let her down, if you know what I mean.

As I sit here shuffling my poker chips at 2:37 AM I realize that nothing is going the way I originally planned it. I know I have the potential to do all this. But there's a catch 22. My motivation to do all this is her. But there's no gauruntee that she'll be mine. There's no reason for her to even care if I succeed or not. So it leads me to think -- do I really need her? Is she really worth this? I'd like to say no.. But I feel the answer is yes.

I have some major things to contemplate. I'll update you guys with my decisions later on.. Right now it's time to kill some people and go to bed.

Goodnight world.

Happy Single Awareness Day!

2008-02-14T00:59:00.000-07:00

Hmm, how do I feel about this? I really don't know. I've been single for less than a week. The girl I've been with for the better part of two years is still in my life. Better yet, we're on speaking terms. Better better yet we're still best friends. I think I want to ask her to be my valentine. I know it's cheesy, but whatever.

As far as Singe Awareness Day (SAD for all you slow people) goes I don't think I really give a rats ass. I've determined that you don't need to be in a relationship to enjoy Valentines day. You just need to have somebody to tell you care about them -- Preferably of the opposite sex. I have someone like that in my life. I happen to know she loves Dove Dark Chocolate. I happen to know she'd rather receive tulips or a single rose than a bouquet of roses. I happen to know it'll at least make her smile.

Anybody care to share what they plan to do for Valentines day?

What do I want?

2008-02-13T17:23:00.001-07:00

So basically these are just some of the things I want to get in life. A motorcycle, modded out Mitsubishi Eclipse. Console systems. I figured I can post what I feel like getting, just so you can laugh at me :). You may be asking why i want these things? There's no real reason, no real reason other than it's what I want. I've always been fascinated by things that go fast. These are just things that I've decided I want to own. One day I will own these, and you will be jealous, I promise.

One post to rule them all.

2008-02-13T13:36:00.000-07:00

I could really care less about the formalities right now. My name is Isaac. I'm eighteen, almost nineteen. This blog is basically for me to update anybody that cares on my progress through life right now.

This is what made me want to start up this blog. I think it's relatively important to know where I'm coming form in all this. I wrote this on MySpace at about 4:30AM. Feel free to read it, I suggest you do if you're going to follow this blog.

If you had asked me a week ago if I was content living in Arizona for the rest of my life and not really traveling, I'd have said yes. Why? Because I truly was content with it.

If you ask me now if I am content living in Arizona for the rest of my life and not really traveling, I'd say hell no. Why? Because I've figured out what I want to do, not necessarily with my life, but I have a goal that I want to achieve now.

What do I want to do? The long and short of it is I want to just save up all the money I can. During the summer 2009 I want to go on a solo road trip. To where? I really don't know, California maybe, Texas perhaps, or even cross country, I haven't decided. But I have decided I want to go get new clothes somewhere other than Arizona. I want to go meet people that live somewhere other than Arizona. And I'm going to have a damn good time doing it.

I really don't have a solid reason to do this other than I want to. But guess what, I can do this simply because I want to. Recent events in my life have just opened my eyes to the fact that I'm boring. I may be able to entertain a group of people, I may be able to talk to anybody really about anything. But I'm boring. Only a select few people don't think I'm boring but that's because they're just as boring as me.

I want to experience something new. Felicia pretty much opened my eyes to the fact that I really don't have anything worth while to deal with. If you don't know her and I broke up. We're still friends though. I'm not going into detail about why it happened, but we want to at the very least be friends because of what we've shared and been through with each other. It's a possibility that you'll see a Felicia Kauwe in the future, but that's a possibility, I want to say a probability but I don't know for sure.

I basically feel like I need to grow up. Now a couple of you know why, but to the rest of you, just be content with the fact that I feel like I need to break out of my adolescent shell. I'm eighteen, almost nineteen. I'm almost a sophomore in college. I'm at the point in my life where I want to move out on my own and just live. But I need to do something before I can get to that point. I need to prove to myself that I can handle the responsibilities of living on my own. Getting out of the little bit of debt I'm in is first on the list.

What do I have to do to fix that? Simple, I need to get a job. This is what's been bothering me ever since I lost my job at Wal-Mart. I don't know what I want to do for sure. I had an offer for a position with GoDaddy but that fell through. I have a friend that works at Wells Fargo Auto Finance that wants me to go work with her, but my school schedule doesn't allow that. So what is an eighteen, almost nineteen, year old guy to do? That's my problem. I know I'm a people person. I mean face it, people tend to just like who I am and my personality. So I think I know what I want to do for now. That is just being a waiter/server at a restaurant. Now, I'm not crazy about relying heavily on tips, but I think that my personality is amazing enough that I'll make a decent earning at it. And I won't have to wear a short miniskirt either ;)

The next thing after getting a job for me to do is to actually pay off what I need to. That being my credit card that's been essentially maxed out since December. I also need to pay back my best friend, Mason, for purchasing my gorgeous computer for me back in 2006. Yes, I am aware I just called my computer gorgeous, be jealous. Now, I know he's going to tell me he doesn't want the money until I'm ready to give it to him. Hell, he'll probably comment this bulletin/tell me that when he reads it in the morning before class. But the thing I've come to realize is this: He's my best friend, so of course he doesn't expect the money for a while. Hell, he probably doesn't expect it until we're like 25 and thriving in our careers. But the problem that I'm facing is that I'm in debt to him. I know it's nothing legal and I know it's not a big deal. But I want to be able to spend my money, not my money that I could have used to pay him off. I have some pretty nifty dreams that I plan to have. I want to own a modded Mitsubishi Eclipse. I want to own a sexy motorcycle. I want to have an xbox 360, ps3, and a wii. I want to buy a special little lady some jewelry because God knows she deserves it. But I can't allow myself to do all that if I still owe my best friend money. It just doesn't feel right to me. So Mason, I'll pay you back before I get that car and before I get that bike. I don't need you to hound me though either, I know you won't.

So once I'm out of the jungle of Givyamunee I'll be able to actually do what I want. Now, I plan to go on this "discovering myself trip" in the Summer of 2009. So that gives me roughly a year from now. That's plenty of time to pay off ~$2,000. I made 5K in 5 months at Wal-Mart. I don't know if I want the car/the bike by the time I go on the trip, probably not. I don't want to be in some unknown area and get robbed for all my shit. I'd rather someone go "Oh that faggot's in a raggety ass Ford Taurus, fuck robbing him. Oooh, Lexus." Yes, just like that. But I just want to have a good time. I'm only going to be nineteen, twenty, twenty one, all those ages once. I want to actually have some experience in life, so I can tell my kids stories about how when I drove through Louisiana I met a poolshark named Danny who hustled me out of every penny I had. Even though I got hustled out of my money I learned some lessons from the thirty something who shot pool for a living. I want to experience life lessons that I can't experience in a familiar environment. The one thing I don't want to experience is death. I might though, I'm fully aware that I could die if I drive off somewhere. I'm not afraid of that, I'd rather die discovering myself than never know who I could have been.

I've decided I want to travel. Not necessarily out of the country right away, but I do want to travel the world. While I'm young I want to go to New York and picnic in Central Park (or somewhere that I'm less likely to get mugged.) I want to ride a Jet Ski in the Hudson and suck up a diaper like they did on Hitch :) I want to drive through Rhode Island, just so I can say I did. I want to go to Florida and.. I really don't know. But I want to do stuff. I want to go to Colorado and learn how to snowboard. Something I've always wanted to do ever since I was a wee little lad was snowboard. I'm so jealous of the people that participate in the X-Games, it's ridiculous. There's no reason I can't do that. I want to travel the country going to Linkin Park concerts. I know they'll be the same, but I want to just.. follow them. They're my favorite band for a reason.

You know, just reading what I've written I can already tell you I'm more mature than I was Saturday. I guess this whole break up with Felicia really is doing me good. I'm not a little emo faggot anymore either. I spoke with her for a good 6 hours today and that really added some closure to what I was feeling.

I know this is a lot to read but hopefully it interests.. somebody. I've just had so much on my mind recently that I've felt like my head was going to explode.

So back to me. Again. :) I'm no longer content being the computer nerd that I am. I'm not ashamed of it. But I want to be so much more, I know I can be. I'm currently doing some work for a professional gaming league, the Championship Gaming Series [CGS] It's opened me up to meet new people. I started doing this stuff because I wanted to be involved in something that means something. And I still do. But I'm no longer content being part of the Staff. I'll still continue doing my duties. But I want to broaden my horizons.

I want to sit under a tree in Alabama and read a random book. Not Harry Potter, but not the Bible either. I want to learn how to dance. Not club dancing but ballroom dancing. How many straight guys my age can you say want to do that? Honestly. I want to be the guy that is so well rounded it's like I can do anything. I want to just.. be amazing. I know I have the potential so I need to convert it into.. being me.

You all know my thoughts and feelings on drugs and alcohol. I still don't like drugs. I see no point in popping pills to feel better. I'd rather.. feel better, without the side effect. I've opened up to drinking, but I'm not sure how happy I am about that. I see it all the time. People I knew in high school that were crazy cool Freshman year.. but now they're beer pong champs at eighteen. That's not what I want to be. I want to drink casually but at this stage I don't think that's possible. I know for damn sure when I'm out on the road I won't be drinking.That just has bad news written all over it for me.

So I definitely just realized that I'm awake at 4:30AM typing this long ass blog on myspace that I really doubt anybody will read. Okay okay I can think of four people that will read it. But you get the point. You four :)

I'm also thinking about the military. Why? Because as I'm growing up I'm realizing that I need to contribute to this country. I've enjoyed it's freedoms for eighteen years, it's the least I can do to give back two or four years of my life. You should know I've never been a military nut and I still won't be, but I think it'll add to my experiences. I would really hate myself if in 50 years when my grandchildren are asking me "Grandpa, what was life like when you were younger?" And all I can say is "Well, computers were cool." No, fuck that. I want to be able to tell them the story about Bubba Gump, my Computer Systems Specialist buddy in the military who lost his right earlobe because he tried to hotwire a Russian computer. I know I have a funky imagination, get over it.

I want to be healthy. Ever since fifth grade I've been the fat kid. I haven't really been made fun of since Freshman year, but I know people think I'm horrible to look at. That's their thing. I want to have a nice body. I want to have a body where all the dumb blonds and shallow chicks want to be with me. Only so I can be like "Bitch please. You need to know the square root of 300 before I even think about it." I want to settle down with a girl who is amazing all around. Personality and Intelligence. I know I've found such a girl, but things just aren't working right now, so I need to be prepared to find someone else if that's what needs to be done.

I've essentially lost Felicia. There's nothing anybody can do or say that will make me believe otherwise. She's been my best friend ever since a fateful day in September 2006. She's always going to have a place in my heart, as my girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, wife, or best friend. Yeah, I get teary eyed thinking about it, but I know what's happening is best for us. Neither of us want to just settle. You may like my decision or not, I really don't care. That's how I feel. And so help me God if I hear you start talking shit about her for whatever reason I will be pissed. I do care about her, that will never change.

That's a lot of reading for you. If you've managed to get this far down, bless your soul you're a trooper. And more of a friend than everyone else who based this off the looks of it.

I'm going to keep talking. Why? Because it feels really nice getting all of this off my chest. I really do love my close group of friends. Not in a gay way, obviously. But I love them/you all. Felicia, Mason, Will, Cassie. I know it's almost sad that there's only four of you that I'm naming. But each of you has had a profound impact in my life. Whether it be breaking me out of my very first shell in Junior high and getting me to open up to see all the angles. Or be it staying up until the wee hours of the morning talking to me just so I didn't feel like shit because of a certain girlfriend. Or even if you're the guy that's been through what I have, and is also going through it at the same time, you really do make it easier :) Or, if you're the girl that stole my heart and ran off with it. Know that no matter what, I am who I am because of who you are and what you've done for me.

I feel almost like I'm going through a midlife crisis at the age of eighteen. But I'm realizing that it's more of a coming of age. The growing up that I should have done a year ago when I could purchase cigarettes and porn. Some of us are late bloomers :)

I have come to the conclusion that I've got a tattoo fetish. I really want to get some tattoos. Who knows, I might get a tattoo in the places that really amaze me, just so I can have a road map of my life. Or maybe not. Maybe I'll just get the dedication and focus symbol drawn by an Australian pothead. I know I want to get something down my side. I don't know what. I just really like the look, deal with it. It wont' be until I've got that amazing body though, I can't have that on my fatty self lol.

I think I'm finally running out of things to tell you. This is like the vent session I've needed for the better part of six months lol. But yeah, I want to travel. I want to be somebody. I want to experience life. That's basically what I've come to decide after pondering my future and possibilities.

Here in the near future I'm going to put up a blog. Not like a myspace blog, but an actual separate site with a blog for me. That way you can see what 's going on in my life. That way you can see where I've progressed on my journy through life. That way you'll know what I've done and who I've met. That way I'll feel more like I matter.

I know I matter to people right now. Trust me, it's been a thought that's been kicking ass when it comes to suicide. I'm not going to get all emo on you right now. But I'll be honest, I have thought about suicide. I don't think there's anybody out there who can honestly say the thought hasn't passed through your head for a moment or two unless you're crazy religious. Even then, it might have. I know it's always been a defense mechanism for me. Think about suicide and throw the guilt card. I'm over that phase. It'll take a while to grow out of the guilt card throwing, just because I've done it for so long. But the suicide is definitely gone. It's just.. not an option. It's the "easy way out," yeah, but it's severely detrimental to.... everything. I know if I was completely gone, if I was out of existence, if I disappeared from some peoples lives they'd be miserable for who knows how long. And that right there puts me above suicide. It'd be one thing if I knew it wouldn't matter if I was gone, but I know it will, so I can't do that. Not if I'm really the guy most of you love to be around.

I think it's time for me to wrap this up. I'm going to just relax right now. Tomorrow I get to work. Tomorrow I start figuring out what to do until I turn nineteen, job wise. I need to make money for any of this to become a reality. That's where I'm starting. As always I will accept donations.

Thanks for reading,

Pi.

So there you have it. I'll be posting more information, pictures, things of that nature, later on.