Blog is moving

I'm moving my blog to wordpress. All entries from here on out will be posted here.

I chose WordPress because it's much more professional and better for editing purposes.

Again, I'm posting there from here on out.

-Jin

Seeing Red Again

I am beginning to want more and more to be a Psychologist/Psychiatrist. The human brain really intrigues me. Simple processes like the path of a conversation, how we can start off talking about the weather last night and end up talking about unusual sexual concepts really interests me. I love deconstructing a conversation and look at it piece by piece and fit it together like a jig-saw puzzle.

Also, I know I am a manipulative person. The way I achieve my desired results is the wording of my sentences. Say I wanted a pizza with extra sauce. If I said "I want a large pepperoni with extra sauce," the person thinks okay add a little bit more sauce. But if I were to say "I want a large pepperoni and go heavy on the sauce," it creates a bolder picture in the persons mind.

Likewise, if you take group A and show them a video of an accident and ask them "How fast was car A going before it collided with car B?" You would get a completely different answer than if you showed group B the same exact video and asked them "How fast was car A going when it smashed into car B?" The simple wording of things to get a desired result is intriguing. I want to learn more about it, so I can stop being so manipulative with the people I love and care about.

Just a random fact.

-Jin

Frontal Lobe Improvement

So here I am, thinking about life again, and an interesting.. epiphany? In my English 102 class the other day we were talking about teen pregnancy. We discussed how back in the day girls were ready to have kids and a family around the ages of 14-16. But now those things are reserved for late twenties, early thirties or even forties. Why is this?

The thought has crossed my mind about fifty times in the past sixty minutes.

I think we're experiencing a trend of regression. What I mean by this is that it takes more time for a person to be mature enough to handle the responsibilities of being and adult and having a family.

Do I think that girls and boys should be having sex at ages as young as 14? No. Do I believe they're too immature? Yes. I know that back in the day this was the normal thing. It was what happened. But think about it, responsibilities have been pushed back and pushed back. When was the last time an actually young boy went to war or fought for something that wasn't a toy?

Now, having said that, I do think it's still important for young people to learn things at an early age. Take something that's been plaguing me recently, love & heartbreak.

All I've ever heard throughout high school was "You're too young to know what love is." But does that mean I'm too young to know what heartbreak is? This is a pretty unmistakable feeling. What's heartbreak without love? An extreme let down, perhaps. But that just doesn't happen. Not true heartbreak. Heartbreak requires love. So where am I going with all of this?

I think we need to find a way for people to gain life experiences before it's too late. I have no idea how, but I know it needs to be done.

This whole thing probably doesn't make sense, ask me questions, maybe I'll be able to explain it one on one.

-Jin

(Rap) Superstar

So today was hands down the best day I've had in a month. It all started off with Friday night, I went bowling with some homies and had a blast like I always do. After bowling me, Mason, and Sam chilled in the parking lot while the drunk people Sam was giving a ride to figured out their bill.

So when they finally came out we took off. Mason wanted food so we checked the iHop over by the lanes we were at but it was closed so he opted for McDonald's. We went through there then headed to my house where we talked to my mother for a little bit then hung out for a little longer. He decided to take off around 4.

After he left, I wasn't tired. So I decided to clean my room which, if you keep up on my blog, you already know. So my mother finally bribed me to go to bed at about 7am.

I woke up at noon and decided to go see Felicia so I could give her back some of the stuff she left at my house. So when I got there I kinda hung out for a little bit, waiting for her the parents of the kids she was babysitting to get home. Finally, they did and she came out. We ended up talking for a little bit before she had to go to work, which was really nice. I think it's helping me get over her, just being around her when I cannot just hold her and kiss her. Don't get me wrong it sucks the big one, but since this is what she wants, I think this is the best way to go about that. So after she left for work we set another date to talk for Tuesday.

So then I got home and hung out with my parents some more. My father was barbecuing some steak and potatoes and corn. MMMMMM, corn. Mason called and said he was going to poker and asked if I wanted to go. I figured, what the hell I haven't played in about a month, I might as well. So we went, I got knocked out fairly fast which was fine because I needed to go home and eat anyways. Barbecue ftw! So then Mason got knocked out and we decided to chill at my house for a little bit so we talked to my mom and dad. Finally it reached about 9:50 so we decided to take off for the 10 o'clock game of poker.

Long story short I ended up winning the second tournament. It'd been so long since I'd played, let alone win. It was really refreshing. I even got a card protector that has my favorite hand on it, which was completely a coincidence. Then we came back to my house and Mason passed out on my bed. He snores so loud, but I'm sure I snore just as loud lol. I should get a recorder and record his snores for you guys, it's fucking hilarious.

Anyways, so that's been my past like, 30 hours. I'm in an amazing mood right now. Hopefully that continues through Spring Break.

I'm Your Bass Creator

So here I am, 6:00 AM. I've been up all night. Oddly enough, however, I haven't been thinking about Felicia or being a little emo faggot. I've been being productive, doing laundry, cleaning my room, stuff like that. I'm at the point in the night/day where I've run out of ideas of what to do. I don't want to go to sleep though, because I know I'll end up sleeping until like 4 and then I'll just have issues of staying up all night again. The reason I've been up all night this time is just because I feel asleep at about 6:30 yesterday and woke up at 8 or 9, can't remember. I don't want to do that again though, so I think I'll stay up all day and exhaust myself again and just get 8-9 hours of sleep for Sunday. I did my usual exercising around 4 am again. I feel great. I did, however, find some.. stuff that belonged to Felicia when I was cleaning out various parts of my room, so that did put a damper on my high spirits. I do still miss her and I know I'd get back with her in an instant.. which doesn't speak very well for me. I just feel like there's no part of my heart left unbroken, so there's not much more damage she can do. The moment I see her with another guy though, I get to take out all the anger and rage that has come as a result of her actions.. that I'll never take out on her.

Anyways, I'm off to find some more interesting things to do. To read about. To learn about. Feel free to shoot me an email or something, say what's up, maybe entertain me when I need to keep my mind off the ex.

Love peace and chicken grease.

-Jin

WTF

Third blog in one night. I think I may have some sort of bipolar disorder.. Because I'm completely over everything. Earlier I couldn't stop crying. Now.. I'm happy as a button. I don't know why.

WTF, let me reiterate, WTF.

-Jin

What Hurts The Most

Yeah, another song that relates to how I feel. Basically right now I feel like.. a pussy. I can't stop crying. There are so many reasons.. I feel like I'm so alone right now. I'm sitting in my room crying my heart out.. just wishing she'd fucking give me another chance. It's not even that. I know / have known for a while that I've got at least a mild case of depression. One of my best friends is going to start going to see someone for what could be depression in his life, because his Mom cares enough to talk to him and see what's going on. My mom, she's always sick which isn't her fault, but she doesn't know what the fuck is going on in my life. She knows Felicia and I broke up. That's it. She hasn't gotten past an "I don't know how I feel about it". She hasn't cared to dive headfirst into my life. My buddy suggested I see someone like he is. But I can't, I don't have the money for it. I don't even have insurance. My Father covered me up until midnight of my 18th birthday. My mom and step dad don't have a way to cover me. So I'm insuranceless for the time being. That adds to my depression so much. I just want to give up. The only truly good thing I had going for me, the only thing that truly made all my problems disappear was Felicia. And you all know how well that's turning out for me.

I've basically broken down. I've been able to do nothing but just.. cry.. for the past half an hour.. my hearts broken and my spirits are down. What can I do?

Sigh, so I've been trying to talk to Felicia. Not about us or anything.. but about everything I'm feeling right now. Everything, the depression, how I feel, not how I want to be with her. But she said she's tired so she wont' sign onto AIM to talk to me. I told her straight up "I need to talk to you" All I get is a flat no. What an amazing best friend. What an amazing person to give my heart to. No wonder it's so shattered right now.

The worst part about this whole thing is I can't even tell her exactly what I need to talk about. My mind is boggled right now.. and instead of listening openly,she needs a reason and specifics..

I'm torn. I want to just.. die right now. Just die. I know it'll hurt pretty much everyone that reads this.. but you will all move on and get over it. Sure for the first while it'll hurt like hell.. but eventually I'll fade to a memory. That's all anyone ever does.. if you die.. eventually people don't always have you in mind. It'll be no different for me.

I know I need to accept the fact that she's moved on.. But I just can't right now. Wow, I just feel pathetic right now. I can't do anything but drop my head and cry. I had so much I wanted to say in this blog.. but I can't remember any of it. I've cried so much, lost some blood, and had Felicia hang up on me after she called.

I would love nothing more than to just have her back right now. That'd definitely start to heal all these wounds. But that won't happen. So these wounds, they will not heal. You definitely learn a lot about a lover when you're not in a committed relationship, that's for sure.

I can't keep doing this. I need to go lay down and cry there, maybe I'll fall asleep.

Good night world.

-Jin